How the smitten have fallen


(Or, here’s one more for The Men I Never Dated)

I have some gist.

To give some background, the guy was in the US doing his studies for four years (bachelor’s degree) and has been living in Canada for four months. I asked him one of the first times we talked if he had been in the US on a student’s VISA, to which he said yes. I told him that I didn’t know that while on a student’s VISA to another country he could be in Canada for so long but he said he was in the midst of processing his Canadian papers.

Sometimes being inquisitive and liking to know these important things sooner rather than later can work to your advantage (especially if you know someone who’s gone through something sketchy before). There was a reason why I kept wanting to inquire about his status in Canada. Every question I asked he answered directly and with honesty. I didn’t doubt any of the facts that he had told me but it turned out that he was answering the questions that I asked and not adding more to his answers than what I asked.

What am I talking about? Here’s part of our msn conversation (with my commentary in square brackets). I shall leave the analyzing to you but you can bet that I’ll be back soon with my own commentary.

GoodNaijaGirl (GNG) says (11:14 PM):
i’m also curious how it is that you can work in canada
GNG says (11:14 PM):
and what papers you’re trying to process
BadNaijaBoy (BNB) says (11:15 PM):
am using my friends paper now
GNG says (11:15 PM):
you berra be kidding
BNB says (11:17 PM):
GNG says (11:17 PM):
you’re seriously using your friend’s papers?
BNB says (11:18 PM):
whts ur stress bout tht…?
BNB says (11:18 PM):
madam comedian
GNG says (11:19 PM):
sorry, i refuse to associate with people who are breaking the law [ I know I sound snobbish here but I was more shocked than anything]
BNB says (11:20 PM):
ok ma
BNB says (11:20 PM):
just being honest
GNG says (11:20 PM):
I really appreciate your honesty. I’m very glad that you were honest
BNB says (11:21 PM):
GNG says (11:21 PM):
yeah, trust me. I’d rather know now than find out later.
GNG says (11:21 PM):
unfortunately this does affect how I feel about you
BNB says (11:22 PM):
GNG says (11:23 PM):
I don’t want to be involved in something like this
BNB says (11:23 PM):
GNG says (11:23 PM):
why did I have to ask? you said that you were getting your papers processed
GNG says (11:23 PM):
why didn’t you just tell the truth at the beginning?
BNB says (11:23 PM):
BNB says (11:24 PM):
still in process
GNG says (11:24 PM):
why not just wait until you’re legally able to before working?
GNG says (11:24 PM):
and you go to church [I know: as if I never sin abi?]
BNB says (11:24 PM):
why cant u understnd simple explantion
BNB says (11:24 PM):
u joke too much to understand simple talk [excuuuse me?]
GNG says (11:25 PM):
I understand your explanation; I just dont’ agree with what you did
BNB says (11:25 PM):
u got ur own opinion
GNG says (11:26 PM):
BNB says (11:27 PM):
ok ma
BNB says (11:27 PM):
am just being honest
GNG says (11:28 PM):
I appreciate that
BNB says (11:29 PM):
GNG says (11:29 PM):
you weren’t honest until i asked you though
BNB says (11:29 PM):
i only answered d question u asked
GNG says (11:30 PM):
but that is something you should have shared. if you know something that might affect how someone perceives you, I think you’re obligated to share it
BNB says (11:30 PM):
GNG says (11:33 PM):
not sure what else i can say
GNG says (11:34 PM):
i hope you do get your papers sorted out and are able to stay in Canada legally if that is your plan
BNB says (11:34 PM):
can we talk later tomorrow?
BNB says (11:34 PM):
GNG says (11:35 PM):
maybe [I should have said no, abi?]
BNB says (11:43 PM):
i guess u might not want to talk to me no more
GNG says (11:43 PM):
yeah, you’re right. I was not expecting this at all
GNG says (11:43 PM):
it’s really too bad
BNB says (11:44 PM):
srry for being honest
GNG says (11:45 PM):
you should be sorry for not being honest at first, not for being honest at the end
GNG says (11:45 PM):
it’s always a good thing to be honest
BNB says (11:45 PM):
am being honest
BNB says (11:45 PM):
u asked if am working
BNB says (11:45 PM):
i said yes
GNG says (11:46 PM):
you should have said you weren’t using your own papers to work
BNB says (11:47 PM):
u didnt ask [am I being unreasonable? Should I really have had to ask about this?]
GNG says (11:47 PM):
i knew something was strange about you being able to remain in canada when you only have a student’s visa to the USA [ok, I was wrong: he apparently has a visitor’s visa to Canada]
GNG says (11:47 PM):
but that is something you should have shared…you didn’t share it because you know it’s wrong
BNB says (11:47 PM):
i had a visa to canada
GNG says (11:48 PM):
for how long? you can’t work with a visitor’s visa
GNG says (11:49 PM):
what sort of processing are your papers undergoing
GNG says (11:49 PM):
do you really live with a cousin?
BNB says (11:49 PM):
if u dont believe me..i cant force u to
BNB says (11:50 PM):
soo far my consience is clear [really? How is that possible?]
BNB says (11:50 PM):
am ok with tht
GNG says (11:50 PM):
can you understand why i would have questions now. you never told a direct lie but you lied by omission
BNB says (11:51 PM):
:D [Why does he think this is a smiling matter?]
GNG says (11:52 PM):
anyways, i’m going to go now
GNG says (11:52 PM):
BNB says (11:52 PM):
gud night ma

Thank God I hadn’t gone and ordered my wedding dress yet eh?


11 Responses to “How the smitten have fallen”

  1. He’s not honest. Simple as that. To me, you are not being unreasonable.

  2. 2 Rayo

    Yea…I totally agree with Ruthie. What if he’s just talking to you for papers? Tread carefully oo

  3. 3 GoodNaijaGirl

    Ruthie and Rayo – I agree with you both. I have a feeling that I won’t be hearing from him anyway but in my mind he’s firmly in the TMIND category, and I’m thankful that all of this came out before getting too attached.

  4. 4 Tolu

    To start of with I’m not justifying his staying in the country illegally. and another fact I must state is I don’t know the basis of your friendship. But not a lot of people feel comfortable disclosing that information to just anybody. Though this kind of desperation means he would do anything to stay back (even if it means hurting you), but he’s not done anything wrong but failing to mention his working/residence status

  5. 5 Oya

    On one hand I can understand why he may not want to disclose that info immediately. He gave an honest answer when u asked about it. I don’t think it makes desperate or dishonest but what’s important is YOU and what you are willing to deal with. If this is something you are not willing to deal with then the sooner u end it the better.

  6. 6 moi

    I just joined afrointroductions……

  7. 7 dude

    the problem here is your expectations. wedding dress already. he didnt lie by omission. u did not ask him directly. if you did and he gave u half truth he omitted. but then what u want is what u want. i dont endorse his acgtion but a man’s gotto live. i think there are worse things u can worry about. like u said we all sinned. i think its his future u should consider and some things from his pasts. oh well. its ur call.
    and he probably would tell you when he knows where things are headed for certain. like u wouldnt tell a stanger u got a baby except its certain that…

  8. 8 GoodNaijaGirl

    @ dude – The part about the wedding dress was a joke o! At the time of this entry I had known the guy for a week!

    I agree with you that we have all sinned and I certainly am not saying otherwise, but I am not the type of person who would deliberately withold information that I think would affect how the other person feels about me. So yes, I am the woman who would tell a guy she had made plans to meet (which we had, in this case) regardless of how long we had known each other, that I had a child.

    Even though we were not yet in a relationship, things like having a child, being in a country illegally, being not quite divorced, etc. should be told sooner rather than later. The other person deserves to know this before they invest their heart and energy into a relationship because what if these things are important to them and would affect whether they decide the pursue the relationship or not?

    (Also: next time leave your email so I can respond to you directly as well as on here! You won’t be spammed, promise. Thanks for stopping by!)

  9. 9 Ken

    This is some nice forum right here.Anyways,i just wanna add something.The fact that that guy is illegally residing in Canada does not stop u from liking him.How did u get into Canada?Most women want a perfect soul mate..Well,maybe u should try your best to be a perfect soul mate,cause whoever you meet on earth will have his own little secrets.If u can gain access to a Bible and tell the people around you that u have not done something worse,i might help u judge the young man who has decided to look for a greener pasture since our Nigerian government is not helping matters.How and why did you leave Nigeria?

  10. 10 yos

    BNB writes just like my ex. Does he live in Toronto?

  11. u r too touchy…

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