A reader asks: How important is physical attraction?


You know what is really cool? Having a friend ask me if I can put her question out there for the wonderful blog community to answer or speak out on, probably because y’all had such good suggestions for Amber (although I never heard from Amber again…let’s hope she tossed her Naija guy to the curb!). Without further ado, here’s the question:

I met a man about a month ago, he appears to have everything I want in a man. He is brilliant, educated, ambitious, comes from a good family, wants to start a family of his own in the near future. He is Nigerian, we share the same values, goals, and I can talk to him for hours. He is God fearing, has a career, loves and respects me and he has given me no reason to distrust him and is always honest with me. He is an okay looking man but the problem is that I am not physically/sexually attracted to him. He is short and physically not my type. He wants a commitment from me, he knows I have reservations about committing but he is not sure exactly why. What should I do? Should I make it clear that its the physical attraction? Should I commit and see if I become attracted to him? or Should I break it off and move on?

How would you respond to this woman? Like I said, this is a friend so I know her to be intelligent, caring, funny and kind. She’s not the type to jump into a relationship just because and I know she’s looking to settle down. That’s why she’s truly struggling with this. She knows that good men are hard to find yet doesn’t want to settle. She doesn’t want to be shallow, yet she doesn’t want to end up resenting her boyfriend or husband because she decided to downplay the importance of physical attraction. She also doesn’t want to throw this fish back into the sea, only to discover that only algae is left in the sea.

Here’s what I think:

I think that physical attraction can grow so if you love everything else about the person, meet up again, maybe a few more times, and see if you can see yourself being with this person in a relationship sort of way and not just as good friends. If not, if you have no desire to kiss the guy, or hold his hand, or rip off his clothes (which GNG recommends doing only after you’re married :D), you must say goodbye.

My answer was short to give y’all the space to share what you think. Oya: speak!


6 Responses to “A reader asks: How important is physical attraction?”

  1. 1 rethots

    A tough one but, i probably won’t get that close (in that way) to someone ‘m not physically attracted too. But, if i get that close to someone (in that way), ’tis not impossible that the physical attraction is there but, hasn’t surfaced yet. If she keeps at it (with a free mind) who knows, the physical attraction might eventually surface. Even if not, there’s nothing too lose….a friend she’s gained.

    But, off point, se you know that when people are constantly in each other’s company….an (physical) attraction builds up?

  2. 2 stbloke

    Firstly GNG, she should be able to know the difference between ‘physical attraction’ and ‘sexual chemistry’ – similar but they are as different as 11:30pm & 12:30am (I will do a post on it on my blog soon). A lot of women after waiting for their dream man for a while find it strange that they meet a good man and there are ‘no sparks’ as it were. Take it from a bloke who knows; the average ‘hot guy’ who has your hormones racing probably has that effect on several other ladies. The sparks that most women desire is what keeps them from seeing red flags in the personality of their suitor.
    Finally being attracted to tall light guys doesn’t mean that a short dark guy cant get your pulse racing with a few words or a casual touch, u might have to be willing to take your chances. in retrospect however, if he doesn’t have (i) the carriage and charisma to pull you into his lair or create a stimulating sexuality with his words (ii) if his person makes your skin crawl or the thought of his tongue sliding into your mouth makes you wanna puke. Girl put every romantic thot aside, atleast for a while. Or you’ll end up hurting his feelings and making yourself miserable.
    nuff said

  3. 3 stbloke

    @rethots. ‘Proximity Affection’ yes, the overflowing fondness and strong feelings can generate a bond- feelings of intimacy. But this usually happens without a prior plan. Except you want to tow the lines of our grandparents who met their spouses on their wedding day.

  4. 4 Abbie

    stbloke is right on the money! I want to add that sometimes it’s not just looks that allows for physical attraction. For example, anyone who’s seen Jay Z can attest that he is not good looking at all, but with the confidence he exudes he’s one heck of a sexy dude.

    Anyway, again I second stblokes comments.

  5. i agree wit abbie n i think the attraction thingy is also important

  6. Physical attraction is definitely a yes yes.
    But I also agree with you that it can grow.
    But what if it does not and you feel too bad to break it off?
    End up married and never find sexual satisfaction until you have an affair with a university student who is a stud.
    I’m drifting.
    You get my drift, right?

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